


Frying Pans and Nosebleeds

by Poptartsandpotatoes



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: After Quest, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bilbo is So Done, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Tumblr Prompt, after BotFA, little angst, lots of luff, tolkien universe - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-10 07:09:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13497220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poptartsandpotatoes/pseuds/Poptartsandpotatoes
Summary: Six years after the reclamation of Erebor, Bilbo is ready to go home. He finally gets to return to the Shire but he sends out weekly letters to his friends back at the mountain.Original au prompt: “I thought someone was breaking into my apartment but it turns out you just forgot your key and thought this was your place”Request: "Could you be persuaded to do a story featuring that happening in Tolkien verse at Bag End?"





	Frying Pans and Nosebleeds

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> This is long overdo. This au was requested by a commenter on my last fic "Strangers." They asked for the au to be set in Middle Earth, so here ya go. The first chapter is just the letter correspondence between Bilbo and the company. 
> 
> This is set six years after BOTFA, Bilbo stayed in Erebor for that amount of time before traveling back to the Shire. In that time Primula and Drogo got married and had a Frodo (whose 7). Remember folks this is an au :)
> 
> Chapter two is where things start to pick up

To: Bilbo Baggins, The Shire

From: Thorin Oakenshield, Erebor

 

Dear Mister Baggins,

I have just been given word that you are now settled back into your hobbit hole. Hopefully, you found your belongs all intact and you were well received back in the Shire. I have been given good reports on the journey back and I wish you good health and such.

Kili wishes to know when you are coming back (do not feel pressured to return anytime soon, I know how much you have missed your armchair) and Fili sends his regards and good wishes. Dis will be arriving soon in the next caravan from Ered Luin, and you should be expecting letters from the rest of the company soon after you receive this one.

The restoration of Erebor is running smoothly, and it would delight you to hear that all of the books in the library (but a few elvish books, not that we needed any of those) survived the flames and weary years; Ori is beyond ecstatic.  Balin is already planning to discuss with the builders plans on constructing a more permanent structure for all of the main halls and pathways, as well as the mines.

We are housing many of the residents of Dale as they continue their reconstruction, the elves, however, keep trying to get into our business. It doesn't help that Kili wishes to court the captain of the guard. Dis doesn't know about the elf yet.

To sum up, everything here is going well and I hope things on your end are going good as well.  

Best regards,  
Thorin Oakenshield

P.S. Kili told me to write "You best answer me soon Mister Boggins." I will have a talk with him on respect tonight.

\----------

To: Thorin Oakenshield, Erebor

From: Bilbo Baggins, The Shire

 

Dear Thorin,

I'm your friend, not a courtier, so why do I get the feeling that this is how you write your business letters to other delegates? So please, call me by my given name Bilbo. Afterall, Mister Baggins was my father.

Sadly not everything in my home was the same as I left it. The Sackville-Baggins tried to auction off Bag-End in its entirety, and that dreadful Lobelia Sackville-Baggins made off with my best silver spoons! That sneaky creature has yet to return three of them. Luckily I got to Bag-End right when they started the auction, so I only had to track down a few things that were led astray (I had to make some well-meaning threats to get back my armchair. Do not fear, for it is back in my possession where it should be). One good thing I learned upon my arrival home was that my cousins Primula Brandybuck and Drogo Baggins got married in my absence! They even had a little boy, he's six right now.

It's wonderful news that the library made it through! However, it is truly a shame that some books were burnt (don't discriminate books just because of a petty feud with their authors). Maybe Ori and the other scribes will be able to restore their contents, a lot of the elvish books refer to healing and such and they can surely of benefit with you housing the sick and injured.

I'm glad everything is going well and I hope your luck continues as such. Oh, and give Dis my regards when she arrives!

Your friend,  
Bilbo Baggins 

P.S. Tell Kili to look for a raven soon.

\----------

To: Mister Boggins

From: The Smartest Dwarrow Who Ever Lived (a.k.a. Kili Durin)

 

Dear Mister Boggins,

How are you? When are you coming back to us? How's your hole in the ground? Are your tomatoes as plentiful as you boasted about? Is your gaffer well? Did you get your spoons back? Did that nasty Sackville-Baggins make off with more than just your silverware?

There so many things I wish to ask you but I don't have the time nor space. Being a princeling (as Fili puts it) is awful tiring and my schedule is full packed with overseeing the restoration of the mountain. Luckily I'm not the heir, so I don’t have to sit in on boring meetings and oversee the council members (the lot of them are old geezers who do nothing but drool about the place). I've all the benefits of a prince, with no responsibilities of an heir! How lucky am I!

Honestly, if I were Fili, I'd just sneak out of the meetings or feign illness. Our wounds are still kinda fresh so not much is suspected of us, so it's quite easy to fake a hurting rib. Tauriel doesn't approve of us sneaking around our responsibilities, but when she thinks I'm not looking she smiles and laughs at our antics (I think she secretly finds it amusing but with her raising and such she won't allow herself that simple pleasure).

Amad is coming soon in the next caravan, she'll most likely have Erebor wrapped around her little finger! Uncle is quite worried about her staying in the mountain. We haven't seen her in so long! I just can't wait to see her, she'd be so proud of us all.

Uncle's just worried she'd spear him the second she sees him. And Tauriel is awfully worried about meeting her. I keep telling her that Amad will positively love her as I do (okay not in the same way but you get the idea).

From your good good good friend,  
Kili

P.S. Tauriel and Fili say hello  
P.P.S. Why oh why does Uncle mope around when he's waiting for your letters? I wonder...

\----------

To: Kili Durin, Erebor

From: Bilbo Baggins, The Shire

 

Dear Kili,

I'm doing well, I don't know when I'll be able to return to Erebor, my smial (or my 'hole in the ground' as you oh so eloquently put it) is doing fine, my tomatoes suffered without me but the gaffer is treating them now as I write this, he is doing well, by the way, I got all but three spoons, they took some of my mother's finer china as well (I haven't managed to get them back, maybe I should put my burglar skills to the test?).

Well, you two shouldn't be sneaking off (though I admit if I were in your situation I'd just die of boredom) but I can see why you boys, who could never seem to sit still for a few seconds, could be tortured so. And be respectful to your elders (even if they are ruddy old dwarrows)!

I'm so incredibly happy for the two of you. You bring out the youth in her and she makes you more mature. I'm positive that Dis would love her just as much as you do. If I were Thorin, I'd be fretting much more than he is over her coming. Afterall he took her sweet and precious children to take on a dragon and all. I'm sure he'll be fine.

It's good to hear from you Kili, the Shire is awfully drab in comparison to the places we've seen, though I don't think I'll be leaving these green slopes and rolling hills anytime soon. But I do know that I will be seeing Erebor again, one day.

I'm looking forward to your next letter,  
Bilbo Baggins

P.S. Tell Tauriel and Fili hello  
P.P.S. I don't know why your uncle broods so, maybe you should talk to him about his habits?

\----------

To: Mister Baggins, The Shire

From: Ori Ri, Erebor

 

Dear Mister Baggins,

You should have stayed long enough to see the Library in all its grandeur! I know you would have loved it, it's a shame it took them so long to clear the path! The small bit that you saw is nothing in comparison to is splendor. It is truly a sight to behold for it is actually the room with the least smoke damage to all but some books are in great condition and the structure is still standing strong (there is even a small section with books written in Sindarin all the way in the back so I can practice!).

I have enclosed with this letter copies of the sketches I drew whilst we were on the journey, there's even quite a few on Beorn's home! I thought you might like them for that book that you said you were going to write.

Everyone is doing just dandy over here. Bombur was appointed the head chef, Bifur and Bofur opened a toy shop for the little ones coming from Ered Luin (though I highly doubt they'll be charging for their toys). Dori is running a tea stall in the market and Nori is off doing whatever he does (he's also been given the duty of Royal Spy, whatever that entails). Gloin is still making preparations for his son and wife's arrival to the mountain and Oin is treating the sick and injured men. Balin is currently discussing with the miners their pay and Dwalin is overseeing the training of the new guards (more like instilling fear in them if you ask me). The princelings are hellions and Tauriel is trying to not get caught up in that (though she's always being dragged into one plot after another. Aulë save her, she's too good for them).

It's rather comical watching Kili try to get Fili out of the meetings. I have to sit in and write down all the goings-on in those meeting because Balin says that if something happens, we'll need a written documentation of it. The brothers seem to be getting more and more creative every day. I fear for Erebor's future.

Oh! I almost forgot, Dori remembered how much you liked the tea he had made while you were here, so he told me to enclose some of his best leaves with this letter along with explicit instructions on the correct temperature and amount of water to steep them in or something along those lines. This brand of tea leaves is actually one of the top-selling brands he has at the stall.

So really this letter is very bulky with all the things that it includes, I apologize for that, I tried to keep it short and sweet but I ended up rambling. I tend to do that, Dori says it's a nasty habit but Nori says it's perfectly fine to ramble. To be perfectly honest I don’t really notice it much. I for one don’t think I’m rambling but others may see it as such so I try my best to get to the point. Being an expert storyteller such as yourself, you may understand how hard it is to not get into too much detail or else your listener's attention might dwindle, and it seems as though I haven't learned this particular skill. Oh look at that I'm rambling again, so before I rant about something else, I'll end the letter here.

Warmest regards,  
Ori Ri

P.S. Lady Dis will soon arrive, Erebor won't know what hit it!

\----------

To: Bilbo, The Shire

From Thorin, Erebor

 

Dis arrived today. We planned a large gathering to welcome her to the mountain (she hates surprises) but she came in through the side entrance because she knew Kili would pull something like that. (It was his idea; I had nothing to do with it.) She evaded being seen from the guards (we all think she bribed them) and the company and I had to search almost every room in this blasted mountain until we found her entertaining a group of children down in the market. Ori was the one that actually found her. She was crouched down with children all around her as she was spinning a tale of heroes and dragons. It reminded me of when Kili and Fili were younger and she'd make up stories for them in order to get them to sleep.

She's doing good. The people of Ered Luin trust her with their life so it's good that they will be soon migrating from there to Erebor with little to no worry.

Dwalin twirled her around until she hit him upside the head, I'm even positive I saw Balin shed a tear. She and Dori became fast friends (they bonded over tea and how to properly steep it) and Ori showed her the elvish books she requested. Dis complemented Bombur's stew (I swear his cheeks reddened but he swore it was just the heat), as well as Bifur and Bofur's toys (she insisted on buying toys for all the children that traveled with her despite Bofur and Bifur's insistence on not charging her or the children).  She listened to Gloin's stories about his wife and child (whom will be making the trek on the next caravan), and managed to have a full conversation with Oin without straining her voice.

But when Dis saw Kili and Fili, oh the smile she had could blind whole armies. She raced towards them with her arms out wide and refused to let go. When she did let go, she smacked them upside the head for being foolish and for needing to be bandaged from “head to toe.” Then she met Tauriel. She went up to the elf and asked Tauriel what her intentions with her son were. After a full minute of silence (and what could only be interpreted as Dis sizing the elf up), Dis thanked Tauriel for making her "numskull of a son mature.” (Kili wholeheartedly denied this statement.)

After Dis was introduced to Kili's "One", she turned her attention to Fili and began to bombard him with questions that were along the lines of "I'm too old for this I want grandchildren" and "Are you canoodling someone behind my back like this one was?" He ran.

Do you want me to send Dwalin down to the Shire to retrieve your stolen items? I'm sure that he can politely talk to these "Sackville-Bagginess" over this little... misunderstanding.  

Oh, and send your cousins my regards. I wish them a long and plentiful marriage.

Sincerely,  
Thorin Oakenshield

P.S. Dis wished to know your location, so you should expect a letter from her soon. I sincerely hope you don't mind.

\----------

To: Bilbo Baggins, The Shire

From: Kili Durin, Erebor

 

Bilbo! Amad is here!

Uncle Thorin insisted on all the extravagances that we can manage at the time to welcome her to the mountain (he may say otherwise, such as that it was my plan to pull out all the stops but I, Kili Durin, Prince of Erebor, Devilishly Handsome Rogue of the West, solemnly swear that it was all Uncle Thorin's idea). There were streamers hanging from the banisters, all the furnaces were burning to light up the whole mountain, all the current inhabitants were outside waiting and cheering, and Uncle even managed to procure some fireworks to set off along the path. I'm sure that he only did this to annoy her.

I regret to inform you that it was all for naught because she simply crept into the mountain through a hidden passage that only We Chosen Few (a.k.a the royal family) know of. Do not fret Mr. Boggins, you're practically family so when you come to visit (and hopefully stay forever?? please???) I'll be glad to show you so you are no longer left out of the loop.

When amad found uncle, she was not pleased. Before she could hit him upside the head (after the joyous and tear-filled reunion of course) he dared to point the blame on me! So she marched right over to ME and hit ME upside the head. Don't worry too much, I'm alright, but after that betrayal, Uncle is going to get it. I already have EVERYTHING planned, I just need to recruit a few able-bodied dwarfs that aren’t too afraid of fire and red ants.

Anyway, this has been a report of the current status of Erebor. I must leave now because Balin has been insisting that I should be "more attentive of Erebor's economic status should the need ever arise that I become reagent" which, in my opinion, will never happen. Uncle will find a way to ensure this. But alas, I am needed at those boring meetings with all those old farts.

The best thing that ever happened to grace the people of Middle Earth,  
Kili Durin

P.S. Please come and distract Thorin so I can get myself out of these meetings, I am one more discussion of soil quality away from ripping my hair out.

\---------------

To: Bilbo, The Shire

From: Thorin, Erebor

 

Dear Bilbo,

It has been a few weeks and you haven't responded to either mine nor Kili's letter from three weeks ago. Fili, Ori, and Bofur also have confirmed that you haven't responded to their letters as well.

Are you alright? We are all here worried about you, you normally send out the letters within the week. It has been four.

Dis tells me not to worry. She said that you are most likely very busy with all your hobbit business.

Please, send at least a small message, to anyone, saying that you are alright.

Awaiting your reply,  
Thorin Oakenshield

\---------

To: Bilbo, The Shire

From: Thorin, Erebor

 

Dearest Bilbo Baggins,

It has been six weeks.

No one's gotten a reply. Dwalin even sent out a letter. Bifur orated his (Bofur wrote). You should be receiving them shortly after mine's sent out.

Everyone here is well. The men have been steadily rebuilding. I have high hopes for Dale. I do wish Kili, Fili, and all the younger children are able to witness the greatness of the Dale marketplace. I remember it so vividly as a dwarfling. Maybe one day I can tell you about the time that Dwalin managed to get his pants stolen and he had to run all the way back from there to the mountain with a very irate innkeeper on his heels.

Everyone is worried. I'm worried.

Please reply,  
Thorin Oakenshield

\----------

To: Bilbo, The Shire

From Kili

 

Bilbo? Where are you???? Uncle has been very stressed out since you stopped the correspondence. I haven't even gotten a letter. Why are you not replying? Did we say something wrong? Did you get annoyed with me for consistently insisting that you visit? Are we not sending you enough trinkets? Do you wish for more tea?

If I did anything wrong -- please don't take it out on everyone else. I understand that I may have said something that upset you, mother is always telling me to think before I speak (or in this case write), and I am sorry if I offended you in any way.

Anyway, please write back soon okay?

Please please please please please,  
Kili

P.S. Uncle is very upset. He’s taken to locking himself alone in his rooms with a pile of work. While the Nitrogen Levels of the Soil is a very thrilling report to read I just know that he’s suffering.

\----------

To: Bilbo Baggins, The Shire

From: Thorin Oakenshield, Erebor

 

I hope that you have been well these past few weeks. We’ve all been good.  ~~I’ve~~  We’ve been worried. Please come back to ~~me~~ us. 

 ~~I~~ We miss you.

Thorin

\----------

To: Bilbo Baggins, The Shire

From: Thorin Oakenshield, Erebor

 

Bilbo?


End file.
